i basically finished yesterday's blog entry at 2 pm. i didn't want to write about how maliszewski went live on twitch for the first time in months that evening because all i would've done is gush about how handsome he is. i do kinda miss the bulky build he had at coe 2025, but if losing weight (and dyeing his hair) means more people are talking about his looks (which aside from coe 2024 has always been on point if you're asking me), then i'm willing to accept the change.
ignore that he turned 18 a month ago. this is what happens when i let my id speak.
seriously though, i can't look at his facecam for more than a few seconds without thinking about how much i want to kiss him, but then i'd start thinking about my own appearance and quickly snap out of it. if i could just dissociate and pretend that my face isn't marred by scabs and pimples and scars from both for more than a nanosecond...
maybe today's overall lack of productivity was more noticeable because the hour i spent doing things that made me feel genuinely proud of myself was surrounded by hours of either scrolling or rewatching youtube videos i've seen a dozen times already or just doing things for the sake of passing time.
i think i was trying to make a point about something but then i had dinner and went back to watching videos i've seen already while thinking things i don't want to talk about on this blog