do i need to be harsher or kinder to myself? it feels like whenever i try to "take it easy" i always end up binging youtube for hours which doesn't do anything to replenish my energy and just makes me feel worse for not having spent that time doing literally anything else.
there's a noticeable difference between when i sit down to watch a video because i'm genuinely interested in what it has to say, vs when i sit down to watch a video just because i want to distract myself from having to do anything else. for example, i almost always watch a video at 1.5x-2x speed when it's the latter case, and i usually find myself hopping to other videos in the recommended sidebar (or middle-clicking if i'm on pc) thinking that maybe this one will keep me distracted for long enough. i'm also more likely to end up doomscrolling comments.
the signs are all there and i notice them, but i don't want to fight back because it makes me feel good in the moment. the thrill of not knowing what's gonna come up in my recommended section or what the next comment i find will be is a form of gambling addiction in itself. i'm still letting myself be influenced by youtube's algorithm & its slight randomization of the comments section.
there's a difference between allowing myself to fuck up sometimes and capitulating to my base instincts until the idea of following a schedule sounds like totalitarian oppression. i am unfortunately very far on the latter scale, and my active efforts to counteract that way of thinking has only further reinforced it.
or maybe it's not. maybe it's easier to be disciplined than i'm making it out to be, if only i stop listening to the silent voice that tells me to avoid doing things that make me feel good and scroll pinterest for another hour instead. maybe i need to make better use of my time while fixing my sleep schedule instead of waiting until it's "fixed".