there's such a massive disconnect between the kind of person i actually enjoy being vs the persona i picture as my "ideal" self and thus keep trying to mold myself into, even as it inevitably makes me worse off in the process.
i want to believe i am capable of separating the two just so i can have my cake and eat it, but at some point i have to realize that the character "yuzuki" has evolved into does not represent me, and pretending to be something or someone i'm not does not make me cooler than simply being myself, no matter how much i hype the idea of playing a two-faced character in my head.
clearly i haven't reminded myself enough that i am ultimately human and susceptible to human failings, because i managed to convince myself that this time putting a name to the inner metanarrative of putting on a quirky, charismatic, authentic-looking front to hide your ugly, nerdy, socially anxious true self out of shame will not result in me internalizing the idea that there are parts of me that needs to be hidden from everyone else because they will hate me for it. twice. in the span of like 6 months.
i have dozens upon dozen of abandoned aliases & personas, all of which hinge on the idea that i need to become someone else to be accepted, not that this new name is who i am. my true self – the person i naturally am when i'm not pressuring myself to be "yuzuki" – doesn't have a name, besides my legal name & family nickname.
i know who i am, but i don't know who i am, outside of the names that have been ascribed to me, which sucks because my real name comes with a decade plus of baggage i don't want to unpack. and it would be so nice if i could just harness the power of the internet to reinvent myself on a whim and turn into this super cool & awesome figure that everyone looks up to while i fake my way into hopefully becoming someone i love instead of actually loving myself.
but there it is, there's that wanting to have my cake and eat it again. i want to become a better person without going through the effort of processing all the things that have led me to where i am now & why i keep failing to live up to my frankly average standards, sometimes to the point where it feels like i'm torturing myself out of spite so i could give up on trying to improve once and for all, and why even when i do live up to some of them i feel the need to point out all the other ways i've failed myself, like what i'm doing now.
but i've also noticed that i only resort to daydreaming when i'm convinced that my real life is boring and there's nothing i can do about it. it does happen a lot more than i would like but when i do go out of my way to do something enriching i don't feel the need to daydream at all. now if only the effect can stop expiring within 30 minutes of me returning to my computer and/or opening pinterest fucking hell man